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barely ablemann's avatar

the good, the bad, and the ugly: very engaging plot line with a believable protagonist, reminded me of a good 'film noir' detective movie from the late 40's or 50's but updated to present times. I felt some empathy for the 'hero', not that he needed it, but too little for the wife. The sentence structure was a bit simple but in keeping with a detective's bare bones account; but it did read more like a screenplay draft. The tight plotting kept my interest all the way through. Two weak points in the plot were the assumptions that the drug cartel folks would not pursue more vigorously or may have had some cameras of their own, and that the detective would give the entire amount to the wife. There needed to be a stronger indication that she be savvy enough to be trusted with the deal and, as savvy as he was, he would have determined that first.

I would have enjoyed a little more description perhaps or a little more dialogue to flesh out the story even more. The AG reference had me guessing slightly about his role. On a gut level I would be interested in reading more tales. I do not know if any of my critique has much merit. I have not done a lot of reading over the past several years and I do not have much basis for comparison. I think it could be expanded into a novella pretty easily or a series. The James Bond books were written by Ian Fleming one a year while he vacationed 8 or 12 weeks in the Caribbean. I think he worked only 3 or 4 hours a day on them over a period of several weeks. If this is your first go round at short story writing, I would encourage you to keep at it and hone your skills. Definitely shows a lot of promise and I can see a larger project evolving out of it. thank you for sharing it and allowing me the chance to give my off the cuff reaction....are you in any writers group ?

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