Stop Rushing the Silence

I don’t speak much. I guess I am quiet by nature.

I think about it sometimes, and it’s probably why I am a good investigator. I watch and listen far more than I speak. I find that most people don’t like the quiet. I thrive in it.

This is what I have learned over the arc of my life and career about listening more and speaking less, and I thought I would share it today.

I’m going to try and explain this, and I know you will understand what I’m saying because you’ve done this. You engage in a conversation. Maybe it’s about the mundane, maybe it’s a very important strategy talk at work, or an emotional conversation with a loved one. They start talking and you start thinking about your answer. What am I going to say? I don’t want to sound stupid. I don’t want to upset this person. I need to be prepared. The truth is none of this is true. What you need to do is stop, close your mouth, bite your tongue if you have to, and listen. Really listen.

Now this is going to be uncomfortable, because when they stop talking, having landed a point, you are going to need to take a beat, roll it over in your mind, and then respond. Here is where the quiet comes. You’ve had to stay quiet, and now the other party hears nothing but quiet while you think. Uncomfortable for most people. They would rather rush into the silence.

Look around the table at your next meeting. While one person is talking, everyone else is planning the next line. Nobody is listening. You can see it in their eyes. You can see it in their body language. It feels like participation, but it’s theater. I don’t know if this is a cultural thing, or if all humans do this, but I know we do. Some of us never got comfortable talking, and it turns out that is an edge.

I talk a lot about interviewing techniques, and this skill set runs in the same vein, but opposite. If we know that a concocted story comes fast because it’s already strategized and rehearsed, then we should know that when we receive an answer to a question, it should take some time for the person to formulate it. That is the signal that it’s sincere and thoughtful. Trust me, when you get these, you recognize them.

When someone stops talking, it should take you a few seconds to absorb what they said and form a response. If your answer comes fast on the heels of their last word, you were not listening. You were loading. Somewhere along the way we decided that a quick reply makes us look sharp and a pause makes us look slow. We have it backwards. When I say something and the other person takes a breath, thinks about it, and then responds after a pause, that pause tells me everything. It tells me they ran my words through their own checks and balances before answering. That is real communication. That is when deep thought occurred. The instant canned reply tells me the opposite.

So slow down. Real listening is a decision. Ask yourself why they are telling me this, and why this way. Do that and people will not only open up to you, they will trust you.

Here is what I want you to do this week. One week. Four rooms.

At work. In your next meeting, don’t plan a response. Listen intently, pause, and respond with a question, because if we are being honest, something in the statement probably needs clarification.

At home. When your children talk, listen. When your wife has something to say, listen. Stop talking. Close your mouth and listen. Phone face down, all the way in, until they are done. And pay attention to what they say. It may not require a response. It might just be a statement. You don’t have to have the answers to everything. Sometimes people just want to tell a story.

With friends. Resist the urge to top their story with yours. Just ask what happened next. Watch how the conversation opens up.

With a stranger. When someone talks to you in a line or at the gym, give them thirty real seconds instead of a nod. Stop, make eye contact, and listen.

None of this is complicated.

Seven days. Try it. Then reply and tell me what happened.

—B